DISCLAIMER: The following is a satirical speech completed for an academic assignment focused on the use of literary devices. This is for comedic purposes only and is not a representation of the author’s (my) personal views. It was a lot of fun and hard work to create this social commentary! As you read, I challenge you to try and spot all of the 20+ literary devices. đ
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Smartphones – The Culprit of De-Evolution
Are you an unemployed incel who buys into Andrew Tate and thinks one plus four equals doorbell? Itâs not your fault. Those damn smartphones are making you less smart, mentally, physically, emotionally, abysmally, acoustically, algebraically, you name it! Your smartphone is a bottomless pit. It is controlling your mental processes by completely obliterating your cognitive pathways and exposing you to unfiltered views that you cannot help but internalize. Smartphones are evil.
They whine for you to pick them up and revel in robbing potential neural connections from you. How? Well for one, smart phones have made things way too easy. No longer can we laboriously conduct multiple science experiments to come to a tentative hypothesis. We can just google things. No longer can we carry our crusty paper maps and ask a potential murderer on the street for directions. Now our phones give us google maps. Yâknow, in an article published by ScienceDaily, Anthony Chemero from the University of Cincinnati and colleagues from UofTâs Rotman School of Management argue that smart technology can be beneficial. For example, by doing the low-level work of showing us directions, we now have freed up brain energy to synthesize higher level information (Koenig 1). But what does ScienceDaily know? By not manually doing every single thing in our lives, we are losing out on glorious neural pathways and retaining less information, and becoming dumber, and losing out! Oh, and not to mention, weâre losing our attention! I can tell that none of you are listening to me right now. Itâs because scrolling-culture has doomed us. The Center for Humane Technology conducted a survey that showed that many frequent Tik Tok users found longer videos âstressfulâ (Center for Humane Technology 1). I can personally attest to this fact. After scrolling on Tik Tok or Instagram reels for a while, if I see a video above 30 seconds, I break out into cold sweats. But hey, donât tell me to control my time spent on social media, donât you know that abruptly halting an addiction can be harrowing? Itâs not my fault! Smartphones must be bad because technology is either good or bad right? Thereâs never been any life saving technology with unintended side effects. Thereâs no grey. And thereâs certainly no responsibility on us.
Chat, while weâre discussing my healthily inhumane obsession with Instagram reels, allow me to let you in on an industry secret: Disappointingly, itâs not just the depths of our subconscious that are deteriorating. Social media is luring us in, feeding us appalling views, and forcing us to adopt them. Go, find any wholesome post on Twitter- oh, my bad, X, with people living their lives happily. Within the comments section, youâre bound to find someone complaining about how ungrateful all women are because one dude on insta decided to bring his partner breakfast-in-bed. Or you might find another comment condemning the LGBBQ community because thereâs no letter for âstraight.â These are dangerous views to expose to people with low self esteem. According to a news article from the UniversitĂ© de MontrĂ©al, the typical incel blames their lack of relationship on womenâs sexual liberation and then congregates online to share and exemplify their opinions (UniversitĂ© de MontrĂ©al 1). Because you see these hateful views, they are now in your brain. They seep up into your being like tapeworms until youâre the one writing those alluring comments. Clearly the solution is to take away those damn smartphones. Itâs not like we had misogyny before the pesky internet. Itâs not like people can manipulate you when theyâre standing right in front of you. Now, some dumb buds of yours might argue that there are good, enriching views accessible online too. But wouldnât I go out of my way to avoid such pungent information like that? To confirm this theory, I consulted the third voice in my head and they agreed that they would much rather confront the strange man at the gas station spouting hate remarks as opposed to opening the news or following some equity advocacy organizations on social media. Since I am quite obviously representative of the entire human race, this just proves to show that we cannot get anything good out of our smartphones. Instead, they are ruining our social awareness. So simply stated, if you are a smartphone user you are destined to become an incel whose only job is to critique the people online that are living a fuller life than you.Itâs sad to admit that itâs not you who controls the smartphone, but rather the smartphone that controls who you are. Our smartphones are sinking us upwards such that our feet become our minds that just aimlessly wander from reel to homophobic comment to reel. And eventually our feet stumble because these paved grounds have forced them to unlearn how to walk. No, do not tell me that easy access to information can complement my neural growth. No, do not tell me that I can limit my screen time and choose not to heed oppressive views. No, do not tell me that it is my fault that I cannot hold pride for my being. My children, you have a right to recognize and blame the demonic influences in your life, but you have no responsibility to address and tame them into angels.
Works Cited
Center for Humane Technology. âAttention & Mental Health.â Center for Humane Technology, 12 March 2023, https://www.humanetech.com/attention-mental-health. Accessed 4 October 2024.
Koenig, Angela. âSmart technology is not making us dumber, experts say.â ScienceDaily, 2 July 2021, http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2021/07/210702154317.htm. Accessed 3 October 2024.
UniversitĂ© de MontrĂ©al. âThe making of an incel | UdeMNouvelles.â UdeMNouvelles, 19 January 2023, https://nouvelles.umontreal.ca/en/article/2023/01/19/the-making-of-an- incel/. Accessed 6 October 2024.
