As the sun sets in the first hour of evening, it bathes the clearing in an orange glow. Somewhere in the distance, the birds are humming and the chipmunks are chattering away. The trees stand at the edges like mighty guardians, their flowers glimmering in peak bloom. It is the perfect place to have a picnic, or to have a tranquil nap. And there you are, standing right in the midst of it. Right there, to take in the sweet scents and the warmth on your back.
But you feel cold. Despite your youth, you feel aged. It is hard to enjoy where you are right now, because in your mind, you are trapped in an overwhelming feeling of dread, of disappointment and discontent. You feel it in your gut, that sinking feeling that you feel when you have done something wrong, or when you have something daunting that you must do. You appear to be surrounded in a peaceful quiet, but your mind is a chaos of screams. It is telling you that you are not enough and that you are undeserving of life’s pleasures. It is hard to stand upright because your head is spinning. You feel dizzy and tears start to burn at your eyes, although they never give you the satisfaction of rolling down your cheeks. It is hard to stand upright but it is even harder to take a seat and relax, because that would require that sort of outward awareness that you are failing to grasp onto.
The more you try to untangle these emotions, the more they seem to bind against you like snakes. No matter how hard you try, you cannot understand it. You know so many that have seen years worse than you, those struggling with poverty, those without love, or support. But you have all of that, you know that you are privileged. Then why do you feel this way? What right do you have to feel this sort of unhappiness, despite being in such a happy place? The more you try to think your way out of it, the more it feels like you are drowning in your own sense of guilt. Trapped by your unknown sense of misery.
So what if you just stopped thinking about it. And spoke it outloud. Instead of thinking your way out, tell the world. There is no reason to fear because there is no one else in the clearing with you, nobody that can hear you or judge your inner turmoil. In a way, it is not so different from just thinking. But when you tilt your head back and scream, just let it all out, it does feel different. For the first time, it feels quiet, save for the humming of the birds and the chattering of the chipmunks, hidden somewhere in the distance.
You have stepped out of your head, and now you are really standing here, in this serene clearing. You begin to feel. You feel the harsh pricks of the grass on your bare feet, and the itches of mosquito bites running down your arms. But it feels good, because you finally feel grounded in your reality. And you can finally feel in a way that you have not felt before. You can smell the sweet scent of honeysuckle and tree sap. You can see the vibrant, violet verbenas, giggling in the light. The wind brushes lightly against your face, picking up strands of your hair, and making you feel weightless.
Somewhere inside of you, a voice says that it is juvenile, being so thrilled to experience these simple things. But for the first time in a long time, your mind is free from the cumbersome burden of thoughts, and you are greeted with a sense of profound clarity. You know that sometimes, you should not listen to those creeping thoughts. You should not make yourself a slave of what goes on hidden in your own head. Instead, what you should do is take some time out of your busy mind to cherish the moment, live in what is actually happening right before your eyes.
For the longest time, you have blamed external factors, factors outside of your control, for not being at that prophesied haven. That place where you feel proud to be yourself. While really, it has been your doubts and your inner fears that have been your true obstacles. It is in telling yourself that you are a disappointment and wallowing in self pity that you have become a disappointment to your own standards. But in letting it all out, you feel submerged in that sense of harmony that you have searched so long for in every waking moment.
You sit down and relax your tense shoulders, you heave a heavy sigh. As the sun dips below the horizon and paints the sky in streaks of orange, pink and blue, you lie on the bed of green grass, sheltered by a weeping willow. And to the beautiful quiet, you fall to blissful sleep.
